Fr. Stack: While you were out, I got the keys to your car. And drove it into a big wall. And if you don't like it, tough. I've had my fun, and that's all that matters.

Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: We're in Ireland's largest lingerie department
Dougal: No. I mean in general.

And now on BBC1: Jurassic Park. The Director's Cut. With extra dinosaurs.

Jack: How did that gobshite get on the television?

Ted: Dougal, do we have any incense?
Dougal: (uncertainly) There was.. a spider in the bath the other night....

Fr. Stack: You're sittin' there, watching those young boys in shorts. With a big smile on your face. Ye daerty feckers.

Dougal: Wait a second. You're Elvis as well!

Dougal: It's nice to have a nun around. Gives the place a bit of glamour.

Dougal: So then. You're a nun?

Ted: Of course... they all have lovely bottoms!

Father Brendan: God Ben I'm such an eejit - I've put the shorts - on me head !

Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who art in heaven.......
Ted: Hallowed.
Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Ted: Thy Name...
Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that time you said that I could praise him just by leaving the room.
Ted: Yes, that was a good one !

Ted : So you took Father Jack out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
Dougal : Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't happen again. Sure now, what's the worst that could happen to him anyway?
Ted : Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
Dougal : ...Oh right, yes.

Ted : Dougal, you can't sit around here watching television all day - chewing gum for the eyes!
Dougal : Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps, here.

Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins!

Mrs Doyle: Oh she writes such filth, Father. It's always "Feck this" and "Feck that" - and sometimes she even uses the "F" word!

Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Jack : FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!

Mrs Doyle: (whilst Ted is trying to eat a sausage) Oh it's a filthy, dirty business, sex. Can you imagine, Father. Your husband standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself. I want you to get a good clear picture.

Ted : I think we'd all like to make a little sacrifice.
Jack : SACRIFICE? ARSE!

Dougal : Oh Wow! It's like a big rabbit rock festival!

Dougal : Do you believe in God, then Ted?

Dougal : I'll have them Mrs Doyle. I love egg. In fact sometimes I think I'm going to turn into a big giant egg.
Ted : I think that process has already begun.

Ted : His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal : God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Ted : Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Ted : The holy stone... It must be even holier than we thought. Perhaps it's something to do with that fellow who came over from England last year. He touched it - and he grew a beard!
Dougal : Wow. Weird. That'd be nearly enough to upgrade it to a Class 1.
Ted : Ooh, Class 1'd be very rare. That'd be bringing people back to life... time travel... cloning dinosaurs... Very rare.

Dougal : Well, who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and they're gone. What's so bad about that?
Ted : Dougal, they're bishops! (pause)
Dougal : ...Oh right, yes.

Ted : I think it might work, Dougal. I know it'll work. It will work.
Dougal : It won't work, will it Ted?
Ted : ...It won't, no.

Ted : What am I doing on the fecking wheel!!!

Ted : Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to plastic cows on table) are very small; those (pointing out of the window) are far away...

Father Stack: I want to listen to some music.
Ted : Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
Father Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.

Ted : Dougal, you can't go around wearing an earring.
Dougal : But Father Damo has one!
Ted : Oh I see, so did Father Damo give you the idea?
(Dougal nods)
Ted : Honestly, Dougal, what next? Will he be giving you crack cocaine or something?
Dougal : Crack cocaine! Now come on, Ted.
(Dougal looks very shifty)

Ted : Honestly, Dougal, could you not knock the old rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks?
Dougal : You're right Ted. I used to be happy enough with me old bike - I used to get a big buzz out of just going down to the shops on it, you know? But after a while... it just wasn't enough. I started going for bigger and bigger thrills... But I could give it up! Any time I wanted!
Ted : You tried to give it up yesterday and you couldn't.
Dougal : (falling to his knees and weeping into Ted's crotch) You're right, Ted, I admit I've got a problem...

Ted : You know the phrase 'to take care of something'? Well, I realise now that you meant that in a sort of Al Pacino way. Whereas I was thinking more along the lines of Julie Andrews.

Dougal : God I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before!