Characters

Fr. Ted
Fr. Jack
Fr. Dougal Mrs. Doyle

Priests who appear in the show

Priests we merely hear about

Non priests

Imagainary priests

Animals

Father Ted Episode Guide

Series 1

1. Good Luck Father Ted - Ted gets his chance to be on TV when he is to be interviewed by a magazine programme. But 'FunLand', the most pathetic travelling fair ever invented has come to Craggy Island, and while Ted is distracted with Father Jack, Dougal seizes his moment of glory.

   "Personally, I don't even believe in organised religion."

2. Entertaining Father Stone - The world's most boring priest comes to stay, and he just won't go away. After his worst ever birthday party, Father Ted prays for deliverence from Father Stone, but a lightning strike wasn't what he expected.

   "No thanks. I'm fine."

3. The Passion Of St Tibulus - The local cinema is showing a film condemned by the Church for its X-rated and blasphemous depiction of St Tibulus. Bishop Brennan is dispatched to the island to ensure that the priests take to the picket line in protest. But their defiant stand only gives more publicity to the film, which becomes an overnight success. It is left to Father Jack to stop the Bishop from sending them packing.

   "Careful now!"

4. Competition Time - It's the 'All Priests Stars In Their Eyes Lookalike Competition', and showbusiness personality Henry Sellers, a former alcoholic, has landed on the island to host the festivities. Father Ted is determined not to go as Mother Teresa again, but he isn't the only one to think of Elvis. It takes some quick thinking to beat Father Byrne's team from nearby Rugged Island.

   "How long was the journey?"
   

   "Four hours."

5. And God Created Woman - A blossoming romance between Father Ted and steamy novelist Polly Clarke threatens to come between a group of visiting nuns and their favourite priest. Among other things, Ted delivers an entire service in a matter of milliseconds, and becomes involved in an armed robbery.

   "FECK! Ah... feck... feckin' marvellous news!"

6. Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest - After an overdose of floor polish, Father Jack finally bites the dust, and Ted and Dougal discover they've been left a fortune in his will...providing they allay his fear of being buried alive by spending a night with him in the crypt.

   "It was worse than that Ted. She was saying fu-"
   "Dougal!"
   
   Click here  to go to top of page    

Series 2

1. Hell - Ted, Dougal and Jack go on an all-expenses-spared holiday to Kilkelly Caravan Park. They meet a young couple, and are soon in trouble with the police. Entertainment comes in the shape of St Kevin's Stump and the Magic Road. Father Jack goes missing; Father Noel Furlong and his youth group turn up to put the final nail in the coffin of the holiday.

   'Ted, I'm going mad.'

2. Think Fast, Father Ted - The roof of the Parochial House is leaking, and Ted decides on a raffle to raise the funds, with a car as the prize. Unfortunately, an accident with a cyclist puts something of a dent in the vehicle. A similar car is borrowed from the Dancing Priest in order to save the raffle; however, the priests must then win in order to return the car. Despite this intrigue, the roof does not get repaired.

   'It's no good, Ted. You'll never get it absolutely perfect.'

3. Tentacles of Doom - The Holy Stone of Clonrichert is to be upgraded to a class 2 relic, and unfortunately this entails three Bishops visiting the island - Father Jack must be housetrained quickly. Only one of the bishops dies - Ted therefore considers this to have been a relatively successful visit.

   'THAT WOULD BE AN ECUMENICAL MATTER!'

4. The Old Grey Whistle Theft - Ted goes on a picnic, Mr Benson's whistle is stolen and Dougal learns an important lesson about true friendship. Ted narrowly avoids incriminating himself to save Dougal's worthless hide.

   'What d'you call yours then?'
   'Ted? Oh, just 'Ted'. But it's the way I say it, y'know?'

5. A Song For Europe - Fathers Ted and Dougal enter A Song For Europe with My Lovely Horse. The tune is stolen from the b-side of a Norwegian song that didn't even win A Song For Norway but the lyrics are all their own work. Somehow they get through to Eurovision and score.... nil points.

   'Just play the f---ing note!!!'

6. The Plague - Rabbit-phobic Bishop Brennan pays a visit to investigate reports of Father Jack sleepwalking naked. Unfortunately Dougal has overrun the house with rabbits, and a Terry & June-style farce ensues as Ted and Dougal attempt to keep Father Jack in bed, and the ever-multiplying rabbits away from the bishop.

   'God, it's like a big rabbit rock festival'

7. Rock-a-hula Ted - Ted is asked to compere the 'Lovely Girls' competition while Dougal is left in charge of the house. Father Jack is mistaken for Bob Geldof and Dougal manages to give the house away to a feminist rock star called Niamh Connolly. Ted has to get the house back, but how will this affect his dinner plans with the winner of the 'Lovely Girls' competition?

   'Of course... they all have lovely bottoms!'

8. Cigarettes, Alcohol and Rollerblading - Ted and co. enter a giving-things-up-for-Lent contest and soon discover that abstinence is easier preached than done. Father Jack sobers up for the first time in years, but Dougal and Ted find their resolve wavering. To strengthen their vows Ted calls in a nun to supervise them. She turns out to be a sadist of the first water, and the results are inevitable.

   'Two hundred pounds? I'm not trying to buy cocaine!'

9. New Jack City - After discovering Father Jack is suffering yet again(!) from "hairy hand syndrome", Ted is delighted to send Jack, by "doctor's orders", to St. Clabberts Old Folks Home (otherwise known as 'Jurassic Park'). Unfortunately, Jack's replacement happens to be one of the nastiest priests ever - Father Fintan Stack. Along with his disregard for the church, Stack has a rather irritating habit of playing jungle music loudly at 3 o'clock in the morning, and a plan is hatched to get Jack back to sort out Stack.

   'What time are Father Rory and Father Ken coming round, Ted?'
   'About six.'
   Pause
   'Six o'clock?'
   'Yes Dougal. Six o'clock.'

10. Flight Into Terror - Ted and co. end up being crammed in a plane along with every other priest who has appeared in their lives after a visit to the Shrine of Kinlettle. In a fit of the usual stupidity, Dougal manages to empty the fuel tanks on the plane. To make matters worse, there are only two parachutes to go around many more priests, so Ted devises a way for the priests to compete for the parachutes. Unfortunately, Jack has other plans for the parachutes...

    'You know with something like this... it would have been so easy to make it look cheap and tacky.'
    
    Click here  to go to top of page    

A Christmassy Ted

Ted, Dougal and a host of other misfit priests become lost in Europe's largest lingerie department, and an ecclesiastical scandal seems inevitable. Fortunately, Ted's Vietnam-style leadership brings the priests safely out, and for his services to the Church Ted is awarded a coveted Golden Cleric. However, he uses his acceptance speech to wreak verbal revenge on each and every person who has done him down over the years. Meanwhile, Mrs Doyle fears redundancy when the Parochial House gets new technology in the form of a tea-making machine. Needless to say, everything turns out for the best.

"What's going on?"
- "I think Ted has a plan."
"No. I mean generally."

Series 3

1. Are You Right There, Father Ted? - Ted finally escapes to a new posting at Castlelawn Parochial House, Dublin, with civilised company and frequent jaunts to Paris. Unfortunately a slight misunderstanding over some expenses sends Ted back to his old compadres on the island. After a spot of lad's housecleaning results in Ted being mistakenly tarred as a racist, Ted holds a celebration of Chinese culture to clear his name (though 'Kung Fu Fighting' might not have been an inspired choice of soundtrack). Just when it looks like a happy ending might be in store, a mix-up over some soft furnishings and Nazi memorabilia leaves the Chinese community with a sweet'n'sour taste in the mouth. (

   "So I hear you're a racist now, Father?"

2. Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep - Ted gets mixed up in a web of intrigue and double-cross when he bets the Parochial House heating budget on Chris, the burping sheep. The lads bring Chris to stay at the house in an attempt to improve his chances at 'King of the Sheep 98', but can Ted quell his burping in time for the great day?

   "It's like two completely different sheep!"

3. Speed 3 - Ted and Dougal turn detective to discover who's behind the bumper crop of hairy babies on Craggy Island. However when justice is done on the culprit he takes a terrible revenge. Dougal's moonlighting stint as island milkman is marred by a bomb set to go off if the milk float drops below 4 mph. Does 'The Poseidon Adventure' hold the key to his rescue, or would Father Jack's pet brick come in more useful?

   "Father. Pat Mustard was just wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box."

4. The Mainland - A perfectly routine trip to the mainland results in Dougal almost dying from malnutrition, Mrs Doyle being chucked in the clink, Ted nearly being beaten up by Victor Meldrew, and Father Jack joining Alcoholics Anonymous. A chance encounter with old friends Noel Furlong and the St. Luke's Youth Group in some spooky caves spells spelaeological trouble for our heroes.

   "Once again you've made me look like a complete fool in front of real people."

5. Escape From Victory - It's the All-Priests Over-75s Five-A-Side Football challenge, and disaster looms when Ted's star player is nobbled by a bottle of Sleepy-Sleepy Nighty Snoozey-Snooze. Fortunately a pair of fake rubber arms and a remote-controlled wheelchair put our lads in with a chance of beating Dick Byrne this year. As long as they can fool the referee...

   "I'm very tired!"

6. Kicking Bishop Brennan Up The Arse - A lost bet with Dick Byrne means Ted has to kick Bishop Brennan up the arse. On cue, Len arrives with PA Father Jessup, the world's most sarcastic priest. Elaborate preparations, a camera, a skirting board, a set of watercolours and some psychological warfare on Ted's part ensure a successful outcome... or do they?

   "I'm soooooooooo, soooooooooo sorry."

7. Night of the Nearly Dead - Jumper-wearing pop sensation Eoin McLove comes to visit. Unfortunately his presence leads hundreds of infatuated middle-aged ladies to surround the house, and the usual hilarious mix-ups ensue. But McLove's easy-going stage persona masks a terrible secret...

   "It's like a great big tide of jam. But... jam made out of old ladies."

8. Going To America - Ted performs a genuinely unselfish act, and is rewarded with the offer of a parish in California - his wildest dreams come true. However, parting from his long-time companions at the Parochial House proves tricky. Unless Ted can break the news of his departure tactfully to Dougal, Jack and Mrs Doyle, he won't be going to America...